Authenticity and Connection:
The Dance of the Self and Relationships
As children, we are wired for connection. Our very survival depends on being accepted by our family and community. We instinctively learn to attune to the needs and desires of those around us, often at the expense of our own authentic selves. This early training can make it challenging to maintain a strong sense of self later in life, especially in our closest relationships.
The first step towards overcoming being too attuned to the needs and desires of others is to reconnect with that authentic self. Doing this takes listening to yourself. There are big and small ways to hear your own voice. But two simple exercises follow to start you on this journey.
Take a moment to hold two different fruits, like an apple and an orange. Notice which one you are more drawn to - which one feels like a "yes" in your body? Pay attention to the sensations - is there an expansive, open feeling when you hold the one you prefer? Or does one feel more closed off? This simple exercise can help you tune into your instincts and preferences, which are key markers of your true self.
You can also try a "wandering" practice, letting your body guide you on a walk through a familiar neighborhood. As you come to forks in the path, pause and notice if you feel a subtle pull to go left or right. Move in the direction that feels most resonant, staying present to your senses - what do you see, hear, smell, and feel? This helps strengthen your connection to your inner compass.
The second step
is integrating this authentic self into your closest relationships. This is where even deeper work begins. It requires clear communication, patience, and a willingness to honor both your own needs and the needs of the other person. Ultimately we are looking for authentic connection in all our relationships–with romantic partners, with friends, with children and other family members. In couple's therapy, we often talk about the "we" - the third entity created by the relationship itself, which has its own requirements separate from the individuals.
Attending to the "me, you, and we"
is a delicate dance. It means speaking up for your own feelings and boundaries, while also making space to understand and meet your partner's needs. It means regulating yourself when you feel triggered, rather than reacting from an immature, protective place. And it means continuously renegotiating the terms of the relationship as both people grow and change.
This is not easy work. But the reward is a level of intimacy and fulfillment that comes from being seen, heard, and loved for your authentic self. When we can show up fully in our closest relationships, we unlock a profound sense of belonging and purpose. The world needs more people who are willing to do this deep inner and relational work. Will you be one of them?
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